Wednesday, February 7, 2018

RIP



I am officially murdering this blog. Have no fear, it will live on in another form over at my website.  There’s a link here, and here, and another right here. I plan on updating it with news and random bullshit like the rest of the stuff I’ve been putting on here since 2009. So pop on over, will ya?!?!


Monday, February 5, 2018

Give Yourself the Finger



I once heard that a person can bite off their own finger. Physically. Not as a permission kinda deal. Your mouth is strong enough that if you slam a ring onto your fat finger and can’t get it off, you have the option of sticking the finger in your mouth and pretending it’s a beefstick for a moment. I would recommend trying other things first (like olive oil or prayer) but you can rest assured that you always have the nuclear option in your back pocket. There’s something in our brains that will stop you from doing this. Similar to why it’s so hard to drown yourself, your mind has some built-in preservation tactics to keep you from doing something thoroughly stupid. However, I’m pretty sure I could do it. I don’t mean this as a cocky, self-assured bravado kinda boast, but I’ve already broken a lot of my own bones. Not on purpose, but still. The precedence has been set. I also eat a lot of beef jerky so I like my chances of getting through the tendons and muscles and whatever else is in there (veins?).

I don’t know if this is true, mostly because I have a bad memory and don’t pay close attention to basically anything because I’m too busy thinking about things like biting off your own finger, but here’s what I know to be true: A dog can definitely bite your finger off. I used to watch When Animals Attack and I’ve stayed current with questionable Youtube videos so I feel I’m pretty well qualified to make this assertion.  Even my dog, who is a big piece of shit, could rip my finger off if properly motivated.  

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Let's Broadcast Farts



Nothing feels better than being right.  Even if you win a bet on which day you’ll die, at least there’ll be a sense of accomplishment to mitigate the pain.  Unfortunately, I’m usually wrong and my soon-to-be-married-person absolutely loves repeating her catchphrase “god you’re such an idiot” with feverish consistency.  I might not ever remember where I left my keys, if I closed the refrigerator door, or what I was supposed to get at the grocery store, but I found at least one thing I can write into the “win” column:  Getting one of those fancy new digital assistants is akin to inviting Big Brother into your sanctuary.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Make America Drunk Again!



Budweiser is the kind of beer you drink when you don’t want to impress someone, or you just got dumped and need to take eighty cans to the head on the cheap, or you have off on a Tuesday and you’ve already been to the grocery store and finished the laundry and it’s 11:30 in the morning.  It’s there, it’s acceptable, and it quiets the voices for a few hours.  But this summer, Anheuser-Busch will try to climb up another wrung of the social ladder from “something to puke out” to “the imbibeable embodiment of the entire fucking country.”

That’s right.  The Budweiser label will be usurped by an even more recognizable name: America

Saturday, February 28, 2015

New website!

I decided to get my act together and make a website.  It's quite easy to find.  Just put www.joshrank.com into your thingy and there you go.  Enjoy!

Friday, February 20, 2015

Even more new fiction available fo' free

I have the great honor to announce my story "Lucky" has been featured as the story of the week over at The Missing Slate.  Once again, it's free and one click away.  Have fun.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Some more new fiction available fo' free

The fine people at The Oddville Press have done me the favor of including my story, “Ashes” in their fourth issue.  You can download the whole deal for free right here.  It’s only kinda depressing.  You’ve got ten minutes.  Just look at itC’mon.  You’re already on the internet.


Thursday, December 25, 2014

New fiction available fo' free



Happy Christmas everybody.  The fine folks at Roadside Fiction have given me the great honor of including my story “Pennies” in an issue that has been posted today.  Feel free to follow this link right here and check it out.  It’s free, it’s fun, it’s a way to escape the in-laws for a hot minute so why the hell not, eh?

Saturday, December 13, 2014

I Went to a Psychic Today



One day about eight years ago while walking down the sidewalk, I decided to start believing in magic, astrology, and all the things that can’t be explained with rational discourse.  I figured it would make life more exciting to believe the dude with the top hat actually just sawed his arm off, or the full moon would make people go crazy, or that the person who cut me off will soon drive into a reservoir and be punished for his behavior.  However, I soon talked myself out of it because I am apparently not programmed to believe in anything I can’t touch, smell, or lick.  And that’s pretty much how my life has been, just walking around and calling bullshit on everything people say.  But today I decided to take a step back from that and put that nagging voice in the back of my mind that says at all times “this is fucking stupid this is fucking stupid” on hold, and go see a psychic.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Fuck Black Friday



About 8 years ago, I was convinced to sit outside a Best Buy on Thanksgiving night to wait in line for when the store opened before dawn.  We set up a tent along the side of the building and drank beers.  Friends popped in and out to have a couple beers before going about their night.  We peed in between cars.  It was fun.  And when the doors finally opened I found a tub of Seinfeld DVDs and called it a day.  This is my only Black Friday experience.

Since then, I’ve realized that even showing up to get a few cheap DVDs is contributing to the monster that has taken hold of our country.  Thanksgiving has been eclipsed by sales starting earlier and earlier to the point where people look forward to the holiday not because they want to drink booze with their family at noon and watch football, but because they want to hammer out some Christmas shopping and possibly trample a couple people in the process.  And I, for one, think that is really fucked up.